my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
