dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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