If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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