Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
