idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
