dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
