she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
