The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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