Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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