how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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