i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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