Your mouth is God's brothel.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
What happened to fro yo and sex?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
