Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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