Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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