Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
