I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
