Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
