Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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