my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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