giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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