shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Enjoy the penises
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
