Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
