i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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