I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I yelled at your uterus for you.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
