Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
