Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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