Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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