guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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