After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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