Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
