cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
