Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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