LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
