If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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