Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
