I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
