god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
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well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
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I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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