I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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