On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
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Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
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I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
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