you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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