I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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