I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
