sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We were destined to go to rehab together
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
