Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
