if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
