I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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