Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
