i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm like, not good at living.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
