my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?