On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.