he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker