marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
27 Times The Kardashian-Jenner Clan Absolutely Slayed at NYFW
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
19 Doctors Confess The Most Difficult Situation They’ve Ever Had To Face
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap