8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.