Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
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