I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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