im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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