I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
